So that's what goes on in her head

It's not like I saw yerpretty everyday or anything. Somehow my brain seems to want to make me feel bad for being so upset right now. Like grief is supposed to be proportional to the amount of time you've spent with someone. Rationally, I know that's idiotic, but I'm not really all that rational right now.

I found the toothbrush he left at my house in my bathroom cabinet while reaching for the floss last night. What to do with things like this? I deleted his email from the stitch n' bitch group tonight. At least if his family gets access to his email they won't have to wade through those emails.

The funeral was this morning. What a weird experience. I've never been to a funeral for anyone under the age of 70 or so before. He was 29. So many friends there.

I kept imagining how he'd be reacting to what was going on. I think most of his friends were. The service was just not him. Way too much Jesus. When we walked in, the pianist was playing Tori Amos' "A Sorta Fairytale," then went into a couple Sarah McLachlan songs. Not his choices, but not that bad. But when the acoustic guitar Christian rock performance happened, I could just see the look of amused disbelief on his face. I can see the way he would have thrown his arms up to ask "What?" I know I wasn't alone in thinking that.

When the minister read something from Revelations that included the phrase "a bride adorned for her husband" I almost started laughing, because my brain chose that moment to remember the fortune cookie fortune on my refrigerator: "A man's best possession is a sympathetic wife." That was Todd's when we got Chinese one night. We laughed until we cried when he got that, because a.) that's not a fortune and b.) Possession? Sympathetic? Ick!

The minister mentioned his smurf blue hair twice. That's one of my earliest memories of him. I was dating a friend of his at the time, and my friend D. and I were subletting a house in Victorian Village. Todd stayed with us for a few days in between places. There was much hair dying going on in that house generally. He had just gotten a job at Union Station, in the kitchen, so it was ok for him to have blue hair. Like the color of Grover. He would come over after work, and I would come home from my job out of town, and he and D. and I would watch movies on the free cable until my bf got back from his 2nd shift job. I think we watched Hackers 8 times that summer.

I made the mistake of reading parts of his lj when I got back to work. I'm not ready for that yet. Especially not the parts where we were dating or whatever we were doing. I'll have to hold off on that for a while.

I did find a mix tape he made me. I've got that playing right now, and I'm having a good cry. There were three pages, front and back, of "liner notes" with the tape. That was Todd. These things are going in my firesafe box as soon as I'm done listening tonight. I think the title was unbelievable: For Amy From Todd -- What Really Went On There? All We Have is This Excerpt. Wow.

So much stuff is in my head right now. I remember when he accidentally took a 14 year old girl on a date. When his parents told him to move out. When the guy at the gay pride store beside Union Station hit on him every single day. His terrifying driving. His unbelievably cluttered condo. His bizarre desire to train his cats to use the toilet. His love of girls in pigtails.

I keep mulling over in my head that there's got to be something more we can do to memorialize him. Something that would really mean a lot to him and really scream Todd. I'm not sure what yet. But there were so many people there today, and so many more that I know couldn't make it, and I know there were even more that I didn't know about. I think Todd's the only person I've ever known, who never met anyone and had them dislike him. Not to say we didn't get irked at each other, but I don't think anyone could stay mad at him.

I'm going to miss him like crazy.

Hung out with T. last night. Had a whole lot of fun (which made me wonder why I didn't say "Hey, it's me!" when I've seen him out before), but over-caffeinated myself and didn't sleep until very late (not that that is a new thing at all).

So today was a day that dragged on and on and on, but less from the lack of sleep and more from the incredible soreness that has overtaken my body. Seems I overdid it a bit more than I'd thought in yoga class last night. It's the "Impossible Poses" class and we were doing stuff that leads up to a couple of deep twisting leg holds, including an arm balancing one. Closest picture I could find is here but rotate that photo, twist her arm on the floor around the extended leg and have her balanced on one leg and one arm. I actually was surprised that I got as far as I did, but I have a lot of ease in my spine for twisting. My leg was nowhere near off the ground, but that's ok. Now I feel like someone tried to break my ribs though.

In other news....STS & I. are famous. SMA gave his official notice to his job (via a limerick) before he leaves for Spain, and BestFriend has another new cool freelance gig. I am contemplating applying for a job I saw on monster today. It's the same job I have now basically (user interface designer) but it's at aol, so it probably pays a bit more. Of course, they're notorious for hiring then firing six months later, so there would be a lot of hard questions from me if I got an interview.

Tomorrow night I think a whole bunch of us are going to see Ween, which should be fun. Then pretty much the rest of this weekend will be devoted to finishing up my math class. Then I get to decide if I'm going to keep going to school of not. Sigh.